I dont even know why we have this big fight. It seems that he is less patient, much easier to be pissed off than before.
When I asked him wether he wants to stay here in the future? He said no, so firmly, as I can see. I dont think there is conflict between that both of us working here for some years and going back to china together. But he just said he hated here, especially PHL. I can’t find out the actual reasons why he hates it here, except that he is under so much pressure from the job market. But he just doesn’t try, try to love it and try his best to get a job. The pressure has driven the hate, even though I said that i like it here and hope to work here for a few years.
He looks so weak and coward to me. The pressure, which hasn’t shown up, which is also the pressure I faced, has driven him away. Everyone likes easy life. He wants to have a ordinary life, I get it. I suddenly realize that deep in heart we are different: I am always chasing for a better life, and I try my best to live better and improve my living, whenever there is an opportunity ; however, what he likes is maintaining what makes him feel comfortable. He doesn’t seems so desire for a live with higher quality. So there is no reason to work harder since he can pretty much keep the life like what he has right now, if he went back china. The only reason he works here after graduation is me! And that is so weak and so fragile.
I want him to stay. I want our plans to be matched so hard. I said to him previously “if you can’t get a job eventually, that’s ok, we can still go back china together”, I said this comfort to release his stress. He said it’s not comfort, it’s lie, since I won’t come back with him. Well, I can’t guarantee anything right now. He shouldn’t push all the pressures to me, waiting me to do the sacrifices, in stead of working harder himself.
I dont have the right to plan for anyone else and tell him what to do to match with my plan. I can’t be that selfish. He was moved when i make sacrifices for our relationship, and that’s all, he won’t be happy to do that. He is angry and harsh to me. I don’t know what is right and wrong at this time. It seems like impossible to give up a five years relationship. Right now, he is everywhere in my life. He is the person I believe to marry with all the time. I can’t even think of that we break up… But the feeling just getting stronger and stronger, that we would end up with two strangers or friends. That’s the last thing I want to see. But I feel so helpless, so lonely. I dont even know wether all things here is worthy or not.