We had a video meeting today which makes me realizes that it is not easy at all, for the first time. Six people in the meeting: My boss, profs from ASU and MIT, a postdoc from ASU, another two members in our group. I feel that I am so small in front of them. I don’t quite understand what they were talking about, academically or for joke. I am the little potato who just get in the field and know nothing. Of course they would think that a person like me, from chemistry, should be very good at the molecular level kinetic analysis, in fact, I don’t. I am very weak in academic. And too bad, this is what I need to do with the next few years.
I feel much safer with Luke and Nicole around. They are seniors, and they will come up to bring questions or give answers every time needed. So I just hide there, and they will do the talk. Today when these bosses asking how was the project and they would like us to give a presentation, Luke said he could do that, to perform. He is the hero. I must be died if not for him. But Luke is leaving this summer, which will be me to take over the project! Only me! I admit it that I didn’t try hard so far on this project. What I do is just following their move: I join them when they think we need a whatever experiment, I join the discuss but never had an idea. Oh my gosh, Luke is leaving. It makes me feel so nervous.
Like yesterday I talked with Wan when we proctored together. I can tell that he focusses to research in his daily life. He take research seriously and would have a good future. I recall the saying “when you admire the people who stand high, you should also witness their hard working “.
I’ve been in depress or enjoying life mode for a really long time. Waking up late in the morning, almost noon, surfing on the internet, doing nothing, calling everyone to have a drink, spending the whole day in a novel……..It is horrible to imagine what would happen if I kept doing like this. I can’t be like this anymore. I must do something before it’s too late. From now on, I would do what it needed to fulfill my project. Really thinking and learning myself. MARK here as a remind that I get much more to do.
Accidentally I saw my students evaluation last semester. I am hurt, really, although it happened half a year ago. Many of them said that I was not helpful, not willing to help and avoided talking. A big part of this is my English: it’s not that good. Being a TA a challenge for me. not only speaking English, teaching them is a challenge. I think I’ve tried my best. I helped them patiently as much as I can, although they were incredible stupid most of the time. But I took it, and I believed that they like me and we were friends. It turns out not the case. Their comments just hurt, especially one of them said I would say yes no matter what they answered, since I didn’t understand and tried to avoid talking. To be honest, I dont understand what they are talking about some times, and it is so embarrass. English is not my first language, and I am here just less than a year. I must be genius if I can speak English as fluently as they do who speak this language for 20 years. I would appreciate it if they understand, and I can’t complain if they don’t. Because they are kids as freshmen and I am the TA who suppose to be more educated and better in all aspects.
Anyway, that’s my first experience as a TA. Although I thought I’d been a nice TA, my kids didn’t think so. And now I almost finish my second semester being a TA. I felt that I should be much better this time, both my English and teaching. I want to know what would they say this time. Like the last time, I still feel like that we are friends. AHHHH, my language, it bothers me so much. For many time, I admire people who speak fluent English, no, jealous! Especially ABCs! I think it would be so nice to speak English so well, know their culture, know Americans’ daily life and be friends with them. I tried hard but still far aways from that stage. We Chinese here, as foreigners, stay in our group always. We can hardly actually join them. It’s easy to understand. We’ve no idea how they grow up, which cartoon they used to watch, which films they like the most and what’s their habit. They dont know ours either. We can talk, make fun of each other and have group works together, but we can nerver be truly friends who would discuss deeper issues. Maybe it’s too radical to say so, but it is hard as far as I see.
It’s a sudden idea that I want a blog. I want to write down something, and say whatever I want.
It has been a long time since i write. I write a lot in public platform to share my thoughts with my friends in high school. Then just one article throughout the four years in college. Now I don’t want to share any of my idea. I just want to keep them as my secrets and don’t like it to be explored. But i do write a few words of my daily feeling in weibo.. barely in RENREN. I feel like that I am becoming more and more introvert. Not actual introvert, I am still passion and active outside, but there are more and more which I’d like to keep to myself. I’m not the person who would say what she likes and don’t like directly. Is it mature? or just I become sophisticated?
Sometimes it do feels funny that I agree with some ideas which I hate so much deep inside. Why do I do this? I cannot help with that. Everything is so fragile. Everyone, every relationship among friends and lovers. I just cannot say my real thinking. What i can do is keeping agree with everyone else, so that I can be one of the group, one of their friends who are the same with each other. How pathetic!
Anyway, now I am here. I am really glad that i can have such a place to say whatever I want. I don’t need pretend to be nice, friendly, patient and strong. I can cry here. I can be mean and be small.Nobody knows me. nobody cares. I don’t want to link with my other social networks and be known by my friends. Probably someone would read all the blogs I wrote and understand all the trivial emotions I had in the future. Or maybe we can be friends. Real friends with no masks.