Daydream in Mexico

So so so excited about this vacation!!!
It’s really a wonderful place in Cancun. The best beach, wonderful food, great people.
I would definitely remember it in my life.

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research is much harder than I used to think

We had a video meeting today which makes me realizes that it is not easy at all, for the first time. Six people in the meeting: My boss, profs from ASU and MIT, a postdoc from ASU, another two members in our group. I feel that I am so small in front of them. I don’t quite understand what they were talking about, academically or for joke. I am the little potato who just get in the field and know nothing. Of course they would think that a person like me, from chemistry, should be very good at the molecular level kinetic analysis,  in fact, I don’t. I am very weak in academic. And too bad, this is what I need to do with the next few years.

I feel much safer with Luke and Nicole around. They are seniors, and they will come up to bring questions or give answers every time needed. So I just hide there, and they will do the talk. Today when these bosses asking how was the project and they would like us to give a presentation, Luke said he could do that, to perform. He is the hero. I must be died if not for him. But Luke is leaving this summer, which will be me to take over the project! Only me! I admit it that I didn’t try hard so far on this project. What I do is just following their move: I join them when they think we need a whatever experiment, I join the discuss but never had an idea. Oh my gosh, Luke is leaving. It makes me feel so nervous.

Like yesterday I talked with Wan when we proctored together. I can tell that he focusses to research in his daily life. He take research seriously and would have a good future. I recall the saying “when you admire the people who stand high, you should also witness their hard working “.

I’ve been in depress or enjoying life mode for a really long time. Waking up late in the morning, almost noon, surfing on the internet, doing nothing, calling everyone to have a drink, spending the whole day in a novel……..It is horrible to imagine what would happen if I kept doing like this. I can’t be like this anymore. I must do something before it’s too late. From now on, I would do what it needed to fulfill my project. Really thinking and learning myself. MARK here as a remind that I get much more to do.

I’m hurt, I admit

Accidentally I saw my students evaluation last semester. I am hurt, really, although it happened half a year ago. Many of them said that I was not helpful, not willing to help and avoided talking. A big part of this is my English: it’s not that good. Being a TA a challenge for me. not only speaking English, teaching them is a challenge. I think I’ve tried my best. I helped them patiently as much as I can, although they were incredible stupid most of the time. But I took it, and I believed that they like me and we were friends. It turns out not the case. Their comments just hurt, especially one of them said I would say yes no matter what they answered, since I didn’t understand and tried to avoid talking. To be honest, I dont understand what they are talking about some times, and it is so embarrass. English is not my first language, and I am here just less than a year. I must be genius if I can speak English as fluently as they do who speak this language for 20 years. I would appreciate it if they understand, and I can’t complain if they don’t. Because they are kids as freshmen and I am the TA who suppose to be more educated and better in all aspects.

Anyway, that’s my first experience as a TA. Although I thought I’d been a nice TA, my kids didn’t think so. And now I almost finish my second semester being a TA. I felt that I should be much better this time, both my English and teaching. I want to know what would they say this time. Like the last time, I still feel like that we are friends. AHHHH, my language, it bothers me so much. For many time, I admire people who speak fluent English, no, jealous! Especially ABCs! I think it would be so nice to speak English so well, know their culture, know Americans’ daily life and be friends with them. I tried hard but still far aways from that stage. We Chinese here, as foreigners, stay in our group always. We can hardly actually join them. It’s easy to understand. We’ve no idea how they grow up, which cartoon they used to watch, which films they like the most and what’s their habit. They dont know ours either. We can talk, make fun of each other and have group works together, but we can nerver be truly friends who would discuss deeper issues. Maybe it’s too radical to say so, but it is hard as far as I see.

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big fight again

I dont even know why we have this big fight. It seems that he is less patient, much easier to be pissed off than before.

When I asked him wether he wants to stay here in the future? He said no, so firmly, as I can see. I dont think there is conflict between that both of us working here for some years and going back to china together. But he just said he hated here, especially PHL. I can’t find out the actual reasons why he hates it here, except that he is under so much pressure from the job market. But he just doesn’t try, try to love it and try his best to get a job. The pressure has driven the hate, even though I said that i like it here and hope to work here for a few years.

He looks so weak and coward to me. The pressure, which hasn’t shown up, which is also the pressure I faced, has driven him away. Everyone likes easy life. He wants to have a ordinary life, I get it. I suddenly realize that deep in heart we are different: I am always chasing for a better life, and I try my best to live better and improve my living, whenever there is an opportunity ; however, what he likes is maintaining what makes him feel comfortable. He doesn’t seems so desire for a live with higher quality. So there is no reason to work harder since he can pretty much keep the life like what he has right now, if he went back china. The only reason he works here after graduation is me! And that is so weak and so fragile.

I want him to stay. I want our plans to be matched so hard. I said to him previously “if you can’t get a job eventually, that’s ok, we can still go back china together”, I said this comfort to release his stress. He said it’s not comfort, it’s lie, since I won’t come back with him. Well, I can’t guarantee anything right now. He shouldn’t push all the pressures to me, waiting me to do the sacrifices, in stead of working harder himself.

I dont have the right to plan for anyone else and tell him what to do to match with my plan. I can’t be that selfish. He was moved when i make sacrifices for our relationship, and that’s all, he won’t be happy to do that. He is angry and harsh to me. I don’t know what is right and wrong at this time. It seems like impossible to give up a five years relationship. Right now, he is everywhere in my life. He is the person I believe to marry with all the time. I can’t even think of that we break up… But the feeling just getting stronger and stronger, that we would end up with two strangers or friends. That’s the last thing I want to see. But I feel so helpless, so lonely. I dont even know wether all things here is worthy or not.

以前的笔记

哀怨只能说三遍,第四遍就变成了灵魂.

怨妇一般都是自我培训出来的,开始恐怕多少有些不幸吧,在反复的咀嚼,强化,增殖中,她真的只有不幸了,她的灵魂只能靠哀怨来养活了.

谁都有不幸,我越来越相信,人的尊严是体现在处理不幸上面的.一些人的不幸只是自己的不幸,而一些人的不幸却要搞成公害.