research is much harder than I used to think

We had a video meeting today which makes me realizes that it is not easy at all, for the first time. Six people in the meeting: My boss, profs from ASU and MIT, a postdoc from ASU, another two members in our group. I feel that I am so small in front of them. I don’t quite understand what they were talking about, academically or for joke. I am the little potato who just get in the field and know nothing. Of course they would think that a person like me, from chemistry, should be very good at the molecular level kinetic analysis,  in fact, I don’t. I am very weak in academic. And too bad, this is what I need to do with the next few years.

I feel much safer with Luke and Nicole around. They are seniors, and they will come up to bring questions or give answers every time needed. So I just hide there, and they will do the talk. Today when these bosses asking how was the project and they would like us to give a presentation, Luke said he could do that, to perform. He is the hero. I must be died if not for him. But Luke is leaving this summer, which will be me to take over the project! Only me! I admit it that I didn’t try hard so far on this project. What I do is just following their move: I join them when they think we need a whatever experiment, I join the discuss but never had an idea. Oh my gosh, Luke is leaving. It makes me feel so nervous.

Like yesterday I talked with Wan when we proctored together. I can tell that he focusses to research in his daily life. He take research seriously and would have a good future. I recall the saying “when you admire the people who stand high, you should also witness their hard working “.

I’ve been in depress or enjoying life mode for a really long time. Waking up late in the morning, almost noon, surfing on the internet, doing nothing, calling everyone to have a drink, spending the whole day in a novel……..It is horrible to imagine what would happen if I kept doing like this. I can’t be like this anymore. I must do something before it’s too late. From now on, I would do what it needed to fulfill my project. Really thinking and learning myself. MARK here as a remind that I get much more to do.

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